Since the past few days i have been blogging, it is obvious what I have been up to.. but not what i have been thinking. Or at least not what has or has not happened.
Lets start with Febuary 5th, 2013. This is Toi's Birthday. Or at least the one on Facebook.
I made a cake with Enna. It took really long!! And .. we ended up making it look really pretty :) .
I could not find out where he lived.. and postponed taking it to him..
Next day... Ran around and did many things.. and even was a bit hima ( lazy). I wanted to take to him his cake, but again.. not enough effort. I had inticipated a meeting.. but when i found out we didnt have one till the 7th.. i post poned it yet another day.
Now.. thoughts in head....
Feeling concerened.. I really wanted to make his birthday a reallyy good one!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... but..... i missed it.. :((( I really wanted to make him feel special.
>.. Thing is...
Febuary 8th, when we did try to take him his cake.. he was not home....
even more.. He left a note...
He said goodbye. Left his will.. wallet.. keys... everything.
febuary 8th night.. (freezing cold) ... he is not back yet..
Not back yet..
After itsukushimi... we went to trial... and... 7/11. ... and .. while waiting for the bus... Yuya got a phone call.
They found him.
I prayed that some one would.
Thing is...
He is not alive anymore.
He is not here.
Not in Beppu
Not in Japan.
I really dont know what is going on. All I know is it is so bitter.
The feeling of your heart body and stomach drop so low it feels like gravity yanked everything inside your body to the floor in a matter of an instant.
It was true.
The dam broke. And.. dispite the bus comming it did not have any withstraint. The bit of water that was held back came out after. Even yet.. once the dam was mended a bit... a rain of memories begin to flood the dam again.
Fiona, Fatima and I went to YUYA's apartment to spend the night.
I did not think it wise to leave him alone.. nor for anyone to be left alone.
The stars were gone this night. It was an extreemly cold night. It had snowed in the beggining of the day. And the wind was a bit noisy.
We talked and remininsed... keep praying. keep praying
In the morning.. (it felt like time crawled.)..
We saw Fiona and Fatima off... and ... i went back to keep Yuya company. It was a bit better because.. we just hang out..
we went shopping later for valintine gifts for the Kids at Itsukushimi and Kamegawa...
I can not explain the numb magnet to the 4 of us that heard the news togther last night.
I can not wrap my head around not seeing Toi again. I can not.
I can not immagine not arguing with him again .. not having him push me or encourage us. To give us lots of ideas.. some we dont agree and others that are really great! He was an innovator. I can not belive i hid my light. How can i hide the light that is not from me... how can i miss .. how can i know but not have the motivation to get involved!!!! SINCE WHEN? Why have i changed?
I used to get involved.. and it would annoy people... but.. now... It would have been worth the annoyance.. i dont care ! it would have been worth it. May this never leave my mind as i remember why God calls us to love, why he urges our hearts to see past other things.. but even if we see.. love with out action is nothing right?
<LOVE3
Came back.. saw Jihan on the bus ( another EDU NET member)
Gave Fiona her charger..
Went to see Pat ( i had promised)
He had saved me food. It was really kind of hiim. I feel sorry. My heart aches abit that I am not able to return the emotional gesture i was given. He is a very kind friend. I am once again reminded of my promise.
Went to see Gary..
I think it was hard for him though he does not admit it.. he had not slept all night either.. and was just going to bed. I am really thankful he was there with us to help us get back ok. And emotional support.
MM. That is the summ up of these past 4 days.
Tonight. I am very thankful. Akie came home and stayed with me. We walked around and talked.. she made me eat.. but what ever i eat makes my stomach hurt and gives me a strong headache. Feel so worn out. Got to talk to people tonight.. everyone from different places. So many feeling the ache. how to .. what to .. now.. broken>... what is the next step?
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